Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
