I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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