On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
