Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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