I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
