A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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