Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
This is the high leading the old right now
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
