it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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