I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Never underestimate the power of titties
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