Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
