First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
