thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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