so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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