I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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