those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize