There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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