i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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