This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
