I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
