sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
