I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
