Your face is a jimmy john
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
