also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
