Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
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