I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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