i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
