The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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