They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
