He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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