Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
