God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize