I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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