He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
