I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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