I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
we're so committed to being not committed
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
