Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
tell me about the eggs
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
