Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
