PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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