I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
