Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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