Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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