And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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