My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
