if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
