If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
3pm strippers are depressing
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
