I am puke
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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