We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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