please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
