Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
