the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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