I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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