You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize