I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
