You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
