This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
