I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
they call him Oral-B. enough said
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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