I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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