Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Your cock deserves a montage
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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