Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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