last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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