i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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