just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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