I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
